until then

until then

I had the most vivid dream about you. Like many dreams, it made next-to-no sense, but it felt incredibly real all the same. It’s been more than 20 years since we dated. Over the past 10, since leaving our mutual city, I’ve thought about you on occasion, wondered how you were doing.

A quick Internet search revealed nothing, but to be honest, it’s been so long, neither of us has a clue where the other even is these days. Still, I looked.

You were on my mind the day before, which was the explanation I credited to you’re being in my sleep thoughts. In my private world, behind closed eyes, you were just as I remembered you in our younger years. Big, tall, sexy, protective, loving, fun.

You were all the things my life needed at that time. You gave me a world where I was able to be carefree, loved and provided with a sense of belonging. Not that I ever want to belong to anyone, but with you, you answered my call of belonging to someone, with someone. I loved you so much for that.

I have always been attracted to large, tall men, but it was the way you treated me that had me hooked. Even after we went our separate ways, I cheated with you on at least one boyfriend. You were hard to give up, to walk away from. You were medicine for my soul.

I understood, even back then, that you had a mountain of unresolved issues in your young life and that being with me more than you were was not possible. I respected that and never picked. I get why it didn’t work between us. It never changed how I felt.

When it came time, you were difficult to let go, but I did because I loved you. I don’t think you ever truly knew just how much. Dreaming about you 20-plus years after the fact, maybe I didn’t know just how much either.

My subconscious seems to know though…

I know I hurt you along the way. It was my young age, my lack of self esteem, my ignorance of your good nature that caused me to do the things I did, and for that, I hope you have been able to forgive and forget. Or at the very least, forget.

One of us needs to. It is with shame that I remember. I’m sorry. Truly.

I loved being your girlfriend. I always knew we could never be friends. That’s okay though. Maybe on a different night when I close my eyes, you will come back to visit me. Again, we will both be 20-something, but this time, we will both be carefree.

Until then…